UPMC has long been a staple of life in Pittsburgh. Their dominance over much of Oakland and Downtown is undeniable and it’s been a joke around the city that one-day UPMC will eventually take over the rest of Pittsburgh. Well, I am pleased to announce that has finally happened: last Friday UPMC bought the entirety of the city. Jeffery A. Romoff, the CEO of UPMC, has justified the company decision as one that was made out of concern “for the overall safety of the citizens of Pittsburgh.” In order to keep the city safe as possible, UPMC immediately annexed the greater Pittsburgh area from the rest of America and turned it into an independent city-state.

This decision was met with great protest initially from the federal government, but they eventually gave up trying to revert the decision after UPMC threatened to buy the rest of the United States. Some citizens of the newly created Pittsburgh™ showed some resistance to this change during a large protest Downtown to “protect democracy in Pittsburgh™.” This protest was thankfully brought to a halt by the new UPMC armed guards. 

In order to educate the citizens of Pittsburgh™ on how the city will function under its new UPMC leadership, the board of directors has sent out a list of new rules and regulations for all citizens to follow to well-respected newspapers across the city so obviously we were one of the first ones to get it.  The following is a collection of what we consider to be the most important rules from that list which we hope to properly inform you about so you and your loved ones can live your best lives in the new and improved Pittsburgh™. 

1. Be Thankful. The simplest and most important rule to follow in the new Pittsburgh™ is to just be thankful for UPMC because everything they do is for us. Every time they expand into a new residential area displacing dozens of people from their homes it is for us. They tore down every skyscraper in the city to make their HQ stand out more for us. And we 

2. Money, Money, Money. UPMC splitting from America meant that it had to adopt its own monetary system. After much discussion, UPMC has decided to implement UPMCbucks which are planned to fully replace US dollar bills by the beginning of next month. These bucks can be used at any UPMC approved food courts, gift shops, and much more. And while they may not have any tangible use outside of Pittsburgh™, it’s quite unlikely that UPMC will let anyone willing leave the city anyways so you shouldn’t have too much to worry about.  

3. AGH was never that good anyways. Allegheny Health Network is an enemy of the state and any support of them is treasonous. All Allegheny General Hospitals have been closed across the city and any staff members of these hospitals have been asked to work for UPMC or risk imprisonment. The CEO of Allegheny Health Network, Cynthia Hundorfean, fled Pittsburgh™ before she could be arrested by the police and is considered a most wanted felon and any sighting of her should be immediately reported to your local chief of police. Any support of AHN will result in your arrest and possible execution for participating in treasonous actions against the state. 

4. Should have picked a better school. CMU along with several other universities in the Pittsburgh™ area have been shut down for refusing to create any agreements with UMPC that would allow them to be involved with the school’s medical programs. Students in these schools have been asked to transfer to universities that work alongside UPMC, such as Pitt. Students that refuse to make this transfer will be immediately deported outside of Pittsburgh™ and back to whatever state they are from. 

5. Cleaner Streets. In order to provide a diverse and large testing body for new experimental medical techniques, UPMC has begun to accumulate larger numbers of homeless people from off the streets and into UPMC shared housing where they will be fed, clothed, and used as experimental guinea pigs. While UPMC may not be paying these test subjects in a typical way with the new and improved UPMCbucks, they will be giving them medals and stickers for good behavior. Some may see this as a human rights abuse but we choose to see it as one of the many examples of how UPMC is beautifying our city. 

6. No Need to Worry. For some time, UPMC has been criticized for their somewhat careless treatment of Black women, many considering them to be at least partially responsible for the unusually high rates of infant mortality and maternal mortality within the black community of Allegheny County. While UPMC has informed us that they are appreciative of the criticisms, they would like to remind the public that any criticism of UPMC is considered to be treason and is punishable by death. 

We hope that this shortlist has answered some of your burning questions about your new life in Pittsburgh™. We want to remind our readers to be thankful of UPMC and all they do for us. And remember, they are always watching.