Science Teachers Vote To Adopt Bible As New Textbook

On February 17, ceremonially coinciding with Ash Wednesday and the first day of Lent, the science department at Allderdice voted to adopt the Old and New Testament as a universal replacement for textbooks in biology, chemistry, and physics classes. Allderdice is now the only school outside of the state of Alabama to make this change.

The transition of textbooks is a major victory for the Church of Science, a religious branch of the Allderdice science department whose goal is to “ensure that every Allderdice student has the opportunity to find God as a part of their scientific teachings throughout highschool,” per their mission statement. The Church has acquired the prestigious “A” rating from the NRA (Normalizing Religion Association) for its commitment to Christianity. 

How did a virtually unknown religious branch rise to such prominence? Primarily, the Church focused its efforts on a massive advertising campaign. At lunch, students could purchase t-shirts with phrases such as “Jesus Was the OG Newton” and “The Bible Is True Biology.” Online advertisements crowded popular platforms such as Instagram, Snapchat, and Youtube. But no single ad was as effective as a video posted to TikTok by @dice4biblegang, depicting Church of Science members parodying Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts.” The video, which has now garnered 8.2 million views and appraisal from Pope Francis, includes the lyrics “Why Eve great ‘til she gotta be great? / She needs to get that fruit outta her face.” 

Chemistry teacher and President of the Church of Science Ms. McLand offered a practical motivation to support the change. “I obviously pushed for this because of the Jesus thing, but as an added bonus, the entire science department will be using a single textbook. It will save the school a ton of money.” The Bible is significantly less expensive than an average textbook, and McLand proposes the saved money be invested into a chapel in order to “continue science education outside of the classroom.”

When faced with concerns about the erasure of widely-accepted scientific principles, biology teacher and Church of Science Vice President Ms. Findenlelzer responded with indignance. “Who are you going to trust? I trust God over a handful of nerdy weirdos,” she said, evidently referencing the entire scientific community.

Although popular enough to be adopted, the switch away from traditional textbooks sparked strong negative reaction from some parents and teachers. Mr. Kooda, Communications Director of the Church, was tasked with addressing these complaints. During the most recent PTO meeting, he assured parents that “instruction would be practically unchanged” and that the only major differences in the curriculum were parts regarding evolution. “I mean, if you think about it, who even cares if people came from apes or they came from God. It’s not like evolution actually teaches us anything about cells or genetics.”

This decision, while currently standing, may face challenges. The ACLU has already spoken out against the addition of religion to public school curriculum. The organization has announced plans to take the Church of Science to court, which immediately prompted a renewed advertising effort. Lord knows how it will end.