Pittsburgh Public Schools today announced an entirely new department dedicated entirely to complaints. 

“It’s a trash can,” the announcement stated.  

When The Backword asked for further comment, a spokesperson for PPS elaborated. “After studying how we can possibly handle all the complaints we receive on a daily basis, we realized we needed to change how we do things.”

That is when PPS began to research a way to be able to handle all these complaints at once. The district announced a task force that was designated to create a way to handle all of the complaints. 

Months of dedicated staffers worked tirelessly through countless late nights and entire weekends in their perilous effort to find the most sustainable solution for everyone. 

As part of the task force’s effort to be transparent, the district revealed the list of people that they regularly receive complaints from:

-Students

-Parents

-Teachers

-Faculty

-Random people on the street

-Starbucks employees

-Residents of Shady, Forward, Nicholson, and Tilbury 

-Forward Shady Apartments

-PPS district employees

-Students of other districts

-Teachers of other districts

-Parents of other districts

-Neighboring residents of PPS schools

-Security staff

-Non PPS security staff

-The Republic of Slovenia

-The ceiling installment and replacement industry

-The Department of Education

-Gas station patrons

-The elderly

-The United Nations

-GetGo Headquarters

-Various local charter schools

-Former President of the United States Bill Clinton

-Bus drivers

-Bus passengers

-The PAT bus industry

-The City of Pittsburgh

-The Mayor’s office

“As you can see, it’s a lot. It can get pretty overwhelming. So we needed a way to handle all of it.”

All of that hard work resulted in today’s historic announcement. 

“We are excited to introduce our new state of the art complaint department, this trash can.”

PPS addressed the skepticism that some may be feeling over this announcement. 

“We understand there are concerns, but we just wanna highlight a few of the things this trash can can do that we alone cannot.

“For instance, this large bin can hold so much more paper than any one person can hold in their hands. A decent portion of our complaints are submitted on paper, so we need somewhere to store it.” Not only that, but this bin holds more than any drawer or desk can. It’s truly a magical thing we’ve been able to do here.”

PPS said they were excited about the new innovative ways that they can “store” people’s complaints, and said that people should see “an immediate difference” in the coming weeks.

“Look, let’s be honest,” the spokesperson said as he stepped away from the podium for what he called a more intimate chat. “We’re never gonna read your complaints anyways, so let’s stop wasting man hours pretending to read them and then crafting a clever response that says everything but also nothing at the same time. We don’t have all day, we have Cuba trips to plan!”