Allderdice students have long suffered from a vaping epidemic, captivating many students. For such a long time, teachers have been radically against vaping since it is disruptive to learning and unhealthy for adolescent lungs. However,  teachers now have suddenly developed intense addictions. We investigated this anomaly as seemingly our teachers have taken a turn for the worst.

During the first semester, following numerous bathroom closures, teachers became sick and tired and adopted a new mentality. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” said Mrs. Priceless. Teachers deserve the relief since many of them have worked in the school for hundreds of years and needed something to take the edge off. Second-semester teachers started to ‘pregame’ school. Teaching buzzed or high has become favorable. 

“I’ve been doing this for years now, but I think it’s great that other teachers are starting to catch on,” said Mr. Bananze.

Many have developed a tolerance so high that they have had to take smoke breaks in the bathrooms between each period. They meet up to vape and chat with fellow staff about trick questions on their last test and which students they suspect are hooking up.

With this new trend, sneaking vapes and pens in through security has proved incredibly difficult for teachers. However, they have gotten creative over the past several months, finding new and improved ways to bring them in, such as painting them to look like pencils, hiding them inside their tuna salad sandwiches, or going to the far left table in the morning security line. 

“Some of the teachers are less sneaky. Last week I caught Ms. McFelon with a pen at the top of her purse. When I confiscated it, she had a temper tantrum on sight. Forget safety concerns – it’s moments like that that I don’t have tolerance for.” states one of the school security guards.

When the supply runs low, the teachers need to re-up. Out of fear of being seen at a dispo or smoke shop, many teachers purchase off of students, cultivating student-teacher relations! One student sells cartridges, or “carts” in the second-floor annex bathroom between periods. Throughout his career at Dice, he has risen to the top. Teachers are not even able to buy off of him until they prove that they smoke, aiming to avoid any snitches. Last week, Mr. Saltenbrand failed the test when he began violently and excessively coughing moments after taking a singular hit.

“I have my plug in my time slot seven English class. I wish he would come to class more, he’s both failing my class and I’m having severe withdrawal,” said Dr. Slikfin. 

Originally, teachers were vaping in the teachers’ bathrooms or outside of school. But, teachers soon realized that if they didn’t want to get caught, they needed to use the student bathrooms. Students have begun to notice. Although initially incredibly concerned, they have started to adapt to the new environment, dapping up teachers in the bathroom and even including them in the sessions. 

The teachers have been sharing stories and lore, trying to gain popularity within the groups of Allderdice smokers. One particularly eager teacher, Mr. Highsaac told a story that was enthralling. “Once, I hit three straight blinkers before time slot ten. I was so high that I drove back from school with my doors open on the highway.” With their jaws on the floor, the bathroom occupants were simultaneously horrified and amazed. We are so lucky to have such great role models for our students at Allderdice.

The rapid transformation of teachers has become a shock to students. As a result, students have started to become worried about their teachers’ addictions. To the surprise of many, students who used to vape frequently have stopped altogether and rarely go into the bathrooms anymore. 

“I used to be there every day. Nowadays, I’m not about that. I thought vaping was cool, but seeing the teachers do it just really makes you think. I think I’m going to start focusing more on my grades and future…” said a former bathroom-frequenter.

Rates of vaping among Allderdice students are now at an all-time low. This shift may be a blessing in disguise for the student body but don’t be surprised if your teacher takes a 20-minute bathroom break or starts class red-eyed.