Last week, Athletic Director Haz-Lit announced that the Taylor Allderdice Football team is to be defunded. This is following a 1-8 season and a 1-4 record in the City League conference. The football team’s current budget is reportedly worth $150 and a bag of Aldi-brand potato chips. This is the highest budget of any Allderdice sport, according to school treasurer Mr. Narc-er.
The Dragons have had success in the past, winning the City League championship in 2017 and 2018, but haven’t had any success since, having just 1 winning season; the shortened 2020 season, the year that coach Marc Matt’s-son began seriously and irreversibly balding. Following the 1-8 season, assistant Coach Matt’s-son spoke to the Backword about his thoughts from the season, saying, “I thought the kids battled, despite the record. There were some games, however, like the 61-0 loss against North Allegheny where I just wanted to rip my hair out. I wish I had enough hair to do that…”
An anonymous senior on the team stated his opinion on the situation. “I’m gonna miss playing for this team. The culture, the atmosphere, the aura. All 20 fans in the stands really made me fall in love with the game. I’ve been playing since freshman year and have won a total of 10 games. 4 of them were forfeits, but a win is a win.”
The Dragons’ home field is Cupples Stadium – sharing the same stadium with the rest of the City League. The few Dragon fans present have been known for showing their support at the football games. Fights and incidents of violence happening almost every game show the passion and dedication students have toward their school. In the last 5 games, after each reached the point of losing by 40, at least one or more fights began. Whether being started out of anger or sheer boredom, the fans made things much more interesting time and time again.
The Backword interviewed the homeless men under the bridge of the PJ McArdle Roadway (right across the street from Cupples) who show their support at every game. “We gonna miss seeing them boys play. They weren’t always very good, but we sure are gonna miss them.”
The defunding of the football team is happening in hopes of putting the money towards top-of-the-line Yondr pouches. “This move is in hopes of a more controlled learning environment. Our inspiration is Kang Ban-sok Highschool in Pyongyang, North Korea” said principal Dr. McBigBoy.
McBigBoy also claims the football team has been related to many problems academically. McBigBoy told the Backword, “Many players on the football team were ineligible for many games due to grades. This is just unacceptable. We are sitting down and having a necessary conversation to resolve this with the teachers that are being such dicks to our student-athletes. Boys sports, even the very worst teams, is our school’s pride and joy and we won’t let anything get in the way of it.”
McBigBoy is publicly against the defunding of the team and is currently figuring out which invaluable teachers to cut to save the program. Don’t worry everyone (nobody was concerned), Dice Football will be back soon, along with the embarrassment
