It is here. After a long wait, the highly anticipated nominations for Senior Superlatives have finally been released. Here is the full list of awards (featuring The Backword’s own personal favorites to win).
Likely Paid off PennDot for their License
This one is interesting. There are always the drivers that (horrendously) park right across from Blue Slide because they are scared of paralleling on Nicholson – we appreciate the forethought for your fellow drivers and newbies. For our pick, though, we asked the policeman who stares down, and occasionally yells at, students parking on the treacherous hill of Nicholson every morning. “Students parking on the yellow lines doesn’t phase me anymore. What am I going to do, ticket the entire senior class?” He continued, “I prefer to yell at, and occasionally ticket, the girls who take maybe 10 tries to parallel park, and then, by the time they are finished, are still 5 feet away from the curb… there’s a reason girls used to not be able to get their licenses.” Whoa there–The Backword in absolutely no way endorses sexist comments of any kind. (After all, they’re just a girl.) The Backword does, however, strongly believe that some of you absolutely paid off PennDot, or took your test with that guy Jerry.
Worst Case of Senioritis
Because the entire senior class has absolutely no fucking work ethic due to a quarantined freshman year, the Backword was tempted to nominate the entire grade. That’s no fun though. So, for the worst case of senioritis, we propose that one senior who hasn’t been to school since mid-January. She hasn’t been seen in months and is genuinely missing (please be on the lookout guys). Genuinely SOS. She was last seen eating those mystery meat gyros and cheesy broccoli in the cafeteria–please pray for her, we know that combination can cause devastating harm.
Most Likely to Go Pro
The class of 2024 is painfully unathletic. Ever seen a group of kids playing team sports in gym class that look like they have never thrown a ball in their life? Yeah, all seniors. However, in terms of those genuinely preparing a future full of NIL deals and groundbreaking contracts, we hear that Crammer and Thighburg have built programs with sensational athletes and a pro-ready senior class, especially those lads on the pitch.
Most Unforgettable
This award is tricky, and we are not sure exactly what direction the nominators are going to head in, but The Backword’s favorite is that one boy you see in the hallway between gym and science. You know, the one who you swear you have never seen before in your life, who you tell your friends doesn’t go to this school. Little did you know, he’s been an avid Dragon since freshman year.
Most Stunning Eyes
The beauty of one’s eyes is, obviously, subjective. But, there are clear favorites. One sophomore girl told us, “So basically, there is this senior boy that literally will not stop snapping me. But in the half-face snaps he sends me, his eye is the most beautiful ocean blue I have ever seen. And he has eyelashes that are longer than mine, ugh. He keeps asking me to meet me in the corner of the cafeteria, and obviously, I am saying no, cause, ew. But that eye is pretty stunning.” PSA: even if having ocean-blue eyes puts you in the running for this nomination, it does not give you a pass to hit on underclassmen, seniors! Anyways, Mrs. Priceless has some different opinions. She said, “Every day, these two girls walk into my TS3 AP World a bit late, and when I tell you their eyes are showstopping, I mean it. Both of them have deep brown irises that are surrounded by a striking redness in the normally white parts. I don’t know how they get the red like that, it is remarkable.” We don’t plan on telling Mrs. Priceless how they developed that color in their eyes, but nothing is stopping her from going to the 1st-floor bathroom before lunches and finding out.
Likely to Try to Make it as an Influencer and Fail
This school, if nothing else, is full of budding and aspiring influencers. Students have tried and tried again, but nobody will quite have what it takes to level up to the legacy of @historyheelsteach–gone, but never forgotten. For those who are still at the school, The Backword has a few favorites. Have you ever been the unfortunate victim of involuntarily being in the background of a rising star’s TikTok in the cafeteria? Us too. Shoutout to those girls, big things are certainly coming their way, and who knows, maybe the involuntary background appearance as an extra is all one of you will need to make it big in Hollywood. Outside of the cafeteria, there are always the kids Facetiming their friends on their iPads. The iPad FaceTimers will, without fail, catch you in the background of their shot as you are innocently trying to walk to class. The Backword is concerned about the TikTokers and iPad Facetimers (mostly because we don’t know who the friend is and why they are not in school) but the clear winner is that boy. You know. The Leader. Creating your own social media account and making ‘news briefings’ in your bedroom by yourself will get you only one thing: Likely to Try to Make it as an Influencer and Fail.
Best Vacation Buddy
The class of 2024 is notably socially inept. Let’s face it, being quarantined freshmen means that current seniors have zero social awareness. A class of 2022 alum commented, “It’s truly a shame, they weren’t humbled enough as freshmen. Every one of them is in my nightmare blunt rotation. The thought of traveling with anyone in that grade makes me want to cry.” The Backword agrees. We are genuinely not sure if there are any ideal senior co-travelers, but we do hear that Thighburg, Tailor, and Hermana are a hoot to trip with. They are tripping together again next fall. Taylor commented, “We don’t know where we are going yet, but Costa Rica is definitely on our list.”
Little Miss Caffeine
The caffeine epidemic in the senior class has reached new, dangerous heights. “I have college supplemental essays to write, TikToks to watch, friends to Snap, NYTimes Crosswords to finish. It’s not my fault I get 4 hours of sleep a night,” says one senior. We aren’t sure who Little Miss Caffeine will be, but we do know that the banning of open coffee in this school has created an even worse and crippling caffeine addiction at the hands of Celsius and Alani Nu. We can only hope that Panera Charged Lemonades do not start making an appearance.
Coolest Guy in the World
We cannot get enough of that boy who always wears shorts to school–I mean, does it get any cooler than that? In the heat, in the cold, in the dark days of February, he just keeps wowing us. We saw a group of boys crowding around him in awe this morning, asking him how he was so cool. “I honestly just thug it out, I don’t feel the cold.” Wow. He’s the coolest.
