We’ve had “Dice Ships,” “Dice Gossip,” and even “Dice Valentines,” but why is there no “Ship Page” for teachers? It may have been a while since Valentine’s Day, but love is still in the air. Here at the Backword, we have done a complex compatibility analysis and have determined the following list of potential Allderdice staff couples.
Starting strong with a three-way engineering wing love triangle: Pat-agg-lee-uhhh crushing on Brickedman, Brickedman crushing on Bomb-Fart, and Bomb-Fart crushing on Pat-agg-lee-uhhh. Unfortunately for Woof, who was hoping to be a part of a love square, he was excluded from the trio for unknown reasons.
Next, Sensei-Cuda and Tailor. These two would be absolutely adorable together. Maybe the age gap is a bit too much for some, but other than that there is no reason these two should not be together. What could be more complementary than Spanish and Physics? It’s only Tailor’s conservative views that would get in the way of these two having the loving relationship we all know they so desperately want. We can only hope that Sensei-Cuda will see past this.
McFelon was difficult to find someone for because we know how uncomfortable she is with workplace relationships. However, I think we found her the perfect match: Ms. Castrate. She is the ideal partner for McFelon due to there being zero risk of her getting pregnant.
Profé Not-Lit and Big Bad Brad would make a flawless couple. These two have so much in common, it’s a crime that they haven’t gotten together yet. They both prioritize student mental health and encourage students to take days off when they are not feeling their best to improve overall performance. Their similar teaching styles and personalities make them highly compatible.
You’ve heard of throuples, but what about quadruples? Harizz, Wrecht, Liars, and Van Linkle are perfect for each other. These polyamorous Allderdice counselors have amazing chemistry with one another, and it’s obvious when you look for it. The longing looks, their close quarters in the counselor suite, and their equal urgency to student issues.
Currently less of a romance and more of a bromance, Stressman and Saltenbrand would be the perfect teacher couple. Their similar interests, the complementary classes they teach, and the fact that they teach right across each other make for the quintessential rom-com love story. Little do we know, the house they are working on together is not to flip, but rather a house they can live together in as “roomies.”
Like two peas in a pod, these two math teachers would make the perfect couple. Sloshy, who teaches CAS Precalculus, prepares his students for Britain’s BC AP Calculus class. Could there be a better combination?
Hennesy and Rad would make a fascinating pair. Ideally, these two interesting personalities will cancel out to create a beautiful, non-toxic, lasting relationship!
Finally, to end on a bit of a sad note, Mr. Flapjack. Now this individual is so unique, so controversial, and so infamous that no one could meet him at his level. Therefore we have decided he should remain single. Indefinitely.
