After a substantial break, Meadows is officially back. Allderdice students have taken a break from collectively drinking and smoking in the pitch-black forest, a true testament to their maturity and learned experience. However, disappointed by student behavior, the teachers of Allderdice took it into their own hands and threw themselves a Meadows last weekend. It was nothing short of pure chaos.
The party started at 9 pm on Saturday night. Above is the advertisement created by the Meadows King – Mr. Stressman. He chose the lowest quality image he could find on the internet, and was sure to screenshot and crop a minimum of 3 times before posting the final version. On the advertisement and marketing strategy, he commented “It’s all about being as blunt as possible. Minimal words, maximum confusion. We are trying to keep it exclusive – which is why we have everyone post it on their public Snapchat stories.”
The finance chair of the Meadows Council, Mr. Bow-man, charged $5 for anyone who showed up early, a mild punishment for promptness. He also charged an additional $10 for any new Allderdice employees. Nobody likes it when the young ones come anyway.
The surplus of money surely went to good use. Atop the Meadows hill were 3 coolers filled to the brim with jungle juice, beer, and school-sourced chocolate banana milk, respectively. “Mix drinks at your own risk” read a sign. Sadly, in an effort to supply these drinks, Mr. Salty threw out his back carrying the keg up the hill, and missed out on the fun.
As per any good Meadows, the theme did not disappoint. USA theme (a classic) filled the park with a sea of red, white, and blue. The female teachers dressed in as minimal clothing as possible – as if it were the 4th of July and not the dead of winter. More fun was the ever-clear opportunity to present political affiliations. Trump hats and MAGA flags decorated a nice selection of Allderdice teachers. A few brought hats, and almost all brought a fiery attitude, ready to drunkenly argue with their coworkers about their right to basic civil liberties. One teacher even practiced his 2nd amendment right with a deer in Frick Park on his way to the party. Admittedly, most of the other teachers didn’t take the political controversies very well. Mrs. Priceless passed out cold – a result of 1 cup of jungle juice and 1 conversation with a coworker wearing a “Let’s Go Brandon” t-shirt. The P.E. department carried her out of the park.
Back at the party, everyone else was living it up. The Spanish teachers planted themselves on top of the table, embarrassingly dancing and singing to Bad Bunny. It’s okay – they won’t remember it in the morning. Mr. Thighburg was doing a lot of socializing with his female coworkers, but to little avail. Meanwhile, to the surprise of nobody, Mr. Stano-the-Man-O and Ms. McFelon were nowhere to be seen after a couple minutes of flirtatious conversation. At least we know everything is PG until we hear wedding bells. A few teachers saw Ms. Britain sitting in the corner, high off of something unimaginable based on the way she was mildly shaking and mumbling derivative laws. Mr. Flapjack was seen peeing in the woods several times that night. The Shearing family walked by as well, while taking their dog and 2 kids on a nightly walk through the park. They watched momentarily, horrified, and then turned in their 2 weeks notice immediately upon arriving home.
It was just teachers, until a student council member showed up midway through the Meadows. “This was the perfect networking opportunity,” he commented later on a self-written social media post, “Many people don’t realize how much I love to let loose and it was evident that my teachers do as well. I was able to shake hands, take many photos, and advocate for my fellow students and the educational matters that are of utmost importance.” In reality, even the teachers were confused why he was there.
The fun only lasted so long, however, because as is also Meadows protocol, the police showed up. They rolled up in cruisers, as teachers scattered in every direction like ants. When the cops realized all of the party-goers were adults and legal drinkers, they left the park, annoyed at the anonymous caller who tipped them off.
Said anonymous caller was a very salty Dr. McBigBoy. “I am very disappointed in my staff and fellow administration. This is not how we represent the school and I am ashamed of their actions tonight,” he said on why he called the cops. “More importantly, however, I am angry and sad that I wasn’t invited. Just because I am the boss doesn’t mean I can’t have fun. I would have thrown it so much better if I was Meadows King.” Dr. McBigBoy revealed plans to host a rival party on the same day as the next Meadows. He’s toying with a few possible names, one of them being Frick Spark after Bark, but he’s still working out the kinks. It gets its name as he hopes to get a permit on the dog park – the most optimal party location, given you have the right shoes.
The only person truly ashamed is Drug Debby. Canceling her educational seminars for Allderdice and high school students, she is instead holding a mandatory series of alcohol and drug professional development classes for all Allderdice teachers and administrators. She commented, “I hear all about Meadows in my job, but I never thought it would be the teachers at fault. I recommend the teachers go back to their day job and leave ‘bringing meadows back’ to the kids.”
