The election for student government leaders at Taylor Allderdice High School was a fierce one, like we have never seen before. Students were amazed at the commitment the candidates demonstrated, and we saw turnout like never before: tens of people voted! These groundbreaking politicians agreed to speak to me under the condition that I refer to them as “Mr. Prez” and “Mr. Vice Prez.” Since it is impossible to get an interview with these two celebrities, I complied with their request. 

“You know we work great together. Our chemistry is undeniable, and I think people knew that, so they purposely chose Mr. Prez as the leader and me as the anchor. We truly are a dynamic duo,” said Mr. Vice Prez. 

The following is a written snippet from Mr. Prez and Mr. Vice Prez’s most recent Instagram Live, in which they discussed current issues going on around the school.

Mr. Prez: “I think the next task we will be taking on is increasing Allderdice school spirit.”

Mr. Vice Prez: “No, we agreed we would be talking about the lack of flavor in school lunches.”

Mr. Prez: “No, we literally just talked about this.”

Mr. Vice Prez: “No, you said we should talk about some chants to do at sports events, and then I said we had no good chants to share, so we should talk about something else.”

Mr. Prez: “We never discussed that!”

Mr. Vice Prez: “Shut the fuck up!”

*A chair is thrown, the phone falls and the screen goes black.

This dynamic duo wasted no time getting to work once they were sworn into office in the fourth floor bathroom by the janitor. They created a website and an Instagram account that captivated the school. They hired and fired members of their cabinet (formal letters of resignation required). However, they did not stop there. With many complaints about the school bathrooms and the obscene images that were drawn on the walls, Mr. Prez and Mr. Vice Prez decided to make a difference: They hired a skilled designer to draw their own faces at the end of the many penises on the boys bathroom stalls to change the imagery from wieners to bobble heads. Students were amazed at the work. 

One student commented, “Taking a dump in the Allderdice bathroom can be a painful and uncomfortable experience but, now knowing Mr. Prez and Mr. Vice Prez are on the wall watching over me, protecting me, I feel more comfortable. It feels like a safe space.”

Most importantly, with the end of the school year rapidly approaching, they decided to really help their constituents: You heard me right, merch is coming! I was privileged to get a sneak peak into what they are planning to drop, and let me tell you this is a real treat for the students and staff of Allderdice. The drop includes a mug, with the images of the updated bathroom walls, a green onesie (you can choose which of their faces you want on your bottom), and limited edition condoms with the presidential seal!

Mr. Prez said, “If you check out our Instagram account, you will see that Mr. Vice President and I have matching onesies. We thought we could incorporate that into the merch. The condoms were my mom’s idea, and it just seemed to fit in with the whole collection so well. It all came together perfectly.”

However, since the merch will not be dropping for several weeks, they decided to continue making a difference in the Allderdice community. They met with the PTO and asked for a generous grant, so the art teacher can paint a mural of them! They also requested that the image could replicate a scene from their favorite movie, Titanic. It will be displayed outside of the fourth floor bathroom where they were sworn in. 

Mr. Vice Prez commented, “The Titanic-style is specifically a shout out to our first getting-to-know-each-other activity: drawing each other, like Jack drew Rose! We asked the PTO if it would be possible for the scene to be replicated in the mural. They said that we should go with something more classic, however, such as the scene of Jack and Rose embracing on the edge of the ship. Mr. Prez and I agreed that we had more important battles to fight, and left it at that.” 

He added, “Secretly, I think the image of me holding Mr. Prez up shows how I hold this whole administration together.” 

The whole school thanks these two political trailblazers for what they bring to Allderdice, and cannot wait to see what they do in their last couple of months in office. But, as the end of the school year approaches, and with it the end of this administration, remember, dragons: don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened… (but cry a little also).