Pittsburgh, “The City of Bridges,” has been dubbed as a sparkling metropolis–booming with opportunities and possibilities for people from all walks of life. Pittsburgh is a hotspot, one of admiration and even envy from other cities across the nation, due to its top-of-the-line public transportation system alone.

“Recently, Pittsburgh’s state-of-the-art infrastructure has been a topic of conversation, along with our trusted transport system. We have had, uh, minimal troubles this year…,” says current mayor Sned Snainey when asked about the minor bridge collapse of late January. “It really wasn’t even that bad. I mean, a few rusted-through support beams, and falling debris aren’t exactly indicators of a problem, if you’re an optimist like myself. There’s a reason why 4.2 billion dollars was diverted from infrastructure repairs to state patrols and police funds a few years ago. This small slip-up really taught us that we have the best bus drivers in the country.”

It was simply coincidental that current President Joe Biden was in town the morning of the incident to address infrastructure budgeting and concerns. He was even generous enough to visit the ex-bridge. “Pittsburgh has got to have at least seven or so bridges, maybe more! At least now there is one less that needs an inspection.”

Some citizens of Pittsburgh seem to be taking these small cases of apocalyptic happenings fairly well. “We made postcards!” comments a resident of the east end area.

Some people seem to be rather distraught. A regent square mother had a lot to say on the matter: “It’s horrific. A detour? I would’ve thought that the bridge could’ve been fixed by that night! They had all day to do something about the collapse, and now I’m constantly late for my yoga class and brunch with the girls across town. Everyone was talking about the port authority driver who was driving the bus…no one is concerned for my well-being. What am I supposed to do? Wake-up earlier? Abhorrent.” 

“It was not my day apparently,” says the Pittsburgh Port Authority driver, who was driving the bus that was caught on the collapsing bridge. “Back in 2019, a coworker of mine was swallowed by the earth downtown while on a route. I remember him telling me that the burning flames of hell that were unleashed by the sinkhole were making the interior of the bus pretty warm, a nice change from the usual excessively chilly bus temperatures. Lucky for us folks on the bridge, our heating systems kept us toasty even after we plummeted a few feet down, crashing into the ravine below, despite the snow flurries and winter temperatures. I even received employee of the month… no raise though.” 

Looks like some incidents are just easier to gloss over. What even counts as dilapidated and crumbling infrastructure anyway? Probably not bus swallowing sinkholes and disintegrating bridges. Pittsburgh has so many assets that it is essentially pointless to dwell on such silly, insignificant topics. 

The lesson? When life gives you lemons, have the resilience of a Port Authority bus driver.