Q. Cumber is a world renowned food critic who travels all over the world to review the world’s finest restaurants. So naturally, Cumber knew his next stop had to be the famous Allderdice High School. Everyday, for a week, Cumber came to Allderdice, disguised as a student, and ate the lunches served to the students. 

His expectations, as he explained exclusively to The Backword, were sky high: “I had heard so many incredible things about the gourmet food these students get to eat every day. When I arrived I was pleasantly surprised–the food was even better than I thought! The service and the ambiance of the establishment were also fantastic. I loved sitting completely alone at a long table in the corner of the room. I have eaten at some of the finest restaurants in the world and, let me tell you, nothing compares. Overall, I would say it was the best week of my life.” 

The following is Cumber’s review:

On Monday, I was served a hot pocket. This was my first time ever eating one and I must say, it is the best thing I have ever had! As soon as I bit into it there was an explosion of flavors in my mouth. I absolutely loved how much cheese there was. It looked like the hot pocket was almost going to explode all over me and  students. And, as you can see in the image, the cheese is stretchy. It has a mind of its own! It was such an interesting and unique choice by the chefs.

On Tuesday, I was served a classic Allderdice dish: fresh oven-baked pizza. This was the dish I had been most excited to try prior to my visit, as it was the most widely reported. The cheese had a similar texture to the hot pocket from Monday. It is almost like they reused the cheese. I inquired about this with the chef and my suspicion was in fact correct! I could not have been more thrilled. Moreover, the crust was definitely a creative choice. I have never eaten a pizza where the crust snapped in half mid-bite. Eating the Allderdice pizza was a glorious journey.

On Wednesday, true to form, I was completely blown away by the meal. Not only was I served a burger but also so many side dishes. I was completely stuffed by the end! My favorite side dish was the ketchup packets. It was the first thing I ate once I got the meal. (I didn’t even realize I was supposed to eat it with the burger!) Once I tore myself away from the ketchup packets, I noticed that the meat of the hamburger was of the highest quality. The chefs in this establishment are clearly very talented because they managed to make the burger both soggy and dry at the same time.

On Thursday, just when I thought the lunches could not get any better, I was served the chicken pictured above. When I first saw it I was in shock. I did not know food could look so appetizing! And it tasted as good as it looks. I could not believe how lucky I was to eat this amazing meal. It was rich in flavor and the bones that had not been removed added an extra crunch that I absolutely loved. Additionally, the presentation was so unique. I have never had a dish served to me without a plate before—such a creative choice! I wish all chicken was like this. It must have taken the chefs a long time to perfect such an intricate dish. This meal exemplifies the expertise of the chefs at this establishment.

On Friday, I feasted upon this “emoji fry,” as the locals dubbed it. I have never in my life seen something as amazing as this emoji fry. At first glance, I was so in awe of the artistry that I did not want to eat it. It is truly a work of art that deserves to be in a museum. It is a unique twist on a classic dish. Moreover, it was simply delicious. Also, I am positive that they personalize the emoji fries because the heart-eyes emoji is my favorite and I didn’t even tell them in advance. The chefs are not only artists but also mind readers. 

As you all know, Cumber is the harshest food critic in the business. He has never given any restaurant a full 5 stars review. However, he says, “I knew in my gut that the Allderdice cafeteria deserves this. I truly do not believe I will ever go to a better restaurant than the Allderdice High School lunchroom.” Therefore, The Backword can exclusively report that Cumber is retiring. He says, “I have found the best restaurant in the world and thus, my work is done.”