Everybody knows that baseball is not being played to the highest degree at PNC Park (as the Pirates are not good). Therefore, longtime fans have turned to a new entity to give them a sense of competitiveness and excitement. 

There is a serious story about sports, power, and the American dream that has yet to be told… until now: PNC Park, home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, has long been known not for providing a great American pastime but for the event after the 5th inning. Fans have the great privilege of watching adults, dressed as stuffed pasta, run the Pierogi Race. 

“Ever since that Bob Nutting traded Jason Bay, those damn pierogis have been the most interesting thing in that ballpark,” said a 30-year-season-ticket-holder of the North Side.

This long-beloved tradition, seemingly innocent, has been rigged. Yes, you heard me right: the betting on these races is so serious that the people dressed as stuffed pasta have purposefully lost the race for money. 

You know the players: red Sauerkraut Saul, yellow Cheese Chester, green Jalapeno Hannah, purple Oliver Onion, orange Bacon Burt, checkered Pizza Penny, and—of course—blue Potato Pete.

Many may be thinking that Potato Pete is behind this. His history of getting away with using flavor-enhancing substances, tackling competitors mid-race, and constant suspensions makes him an obvious suspect and has created an extreme mistrust within the system.

The truth, however, does not include Pete. The Backword can exclusively report that Bacon Burt is the primary suspect in the ongoing investigation. Yes, the innocent mustached pierogi who reminds you of your uncle. Burt, however, is anything but innocent. He was paid 200 million dollars to lose and help Jalapeno Hannah win. Bacon Burt transferred some of his potato bacon filling into Jalapeno Hannah. You heard me right: Hannah not only had Jalapeno fuel but Burt’s bacon fuel! Any avid Pierogi Race watcher knows just how unfair that mix of spice and protein is.

Indictments are expected to come very shortly. The Allegheny County DA shared with The Backword that more specifics will become public in the coming weeks. Until then, stay on high alert for continued fraud in between inning-happenings.