Attention: New Guidelines Set by Administration to Make School More of a “Living Hell!”

Allderdice more of a Living Hell!

Allderdice more of a “Living Hell!”

In light of growing concern that in the post-pandemic, Allderdice has become “too laid back,” the school administration is taking the necessary measures to combat this issue. Released on Tuesday, these new guidelines were first posted in an anonymous tip to the most powerful major news source in Western Pennsylvania, @dirtydicesubmissions. A Twitter account where students often submit vulgar gossip about their peers, @dirtydicesubmissions offers nothing but the most unbiased, factual information, and the new posts on the new guidelines are no exception. The post outlining the oppressive administrative changes was retweeted on the school’s account, decorated with dragon gifs and green heart emojis. It was later revealed that Dr.CoyBoy himself submitted the anonymous guidelines to the student-run gossip account. The following breaks down the newly released guidelines:

The first, and many feel most alarming, part of the new protocol is the removal of study halls for next school year, particularly for seniors who have completed all of their credits already. One of the 3,024 monthly administration surveys found that 98.79% of high school seniors felt “overwhelmed and exhausted” by their senior year. An Allderdice counselor says, “We take statistics like this very seriously, and we knew we had to make a change. To us, that meant 1.21% of seniors felt bored and underwhelmed by their high school experience. We leave no children neglected, and therefore opted to up the workload for all,” she started tearing up, “That’s just the kind of culture we promote here at Allderdice.”

Presented as an “effective strategy to set student priorities straight,” the administration hopes seniors will take this opportunity to spend their time well. Senior fall may be a stressful time, however, this school maintains its reputation for high-quality, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities in the form of one semester, mediocre electives. Making students fill their schedule with classes such as “Intro to Vintriliquilism Arts” and “Blunt Rolling Studies” are incredibly valuable uses of time, more than any form of sleep or post-secondary applications. Not only are they completely unique to Allderdice classes, but they are also incredibly challenging! No students received an A in “Treadmill Walking 101” last year, affirming the administration’s goal to challenge Allderdice students until the second they leave the building. The counselor concluded, “We quite frankly do not care that you have all the credits you need to graduate, filling your schedule makes our jobs easier. Deal with it.” 

Next, you cannot change your schedule after June for next school year. “Sorry, know what classes you want to take next year by this February or you’re fucked,” the counselor added. This is completely a result of the master schedule, the holy grail itself. The counselors are now growing more and more obedient to the master schedule. They claim, “the master schedule needs time over the summer to grow into itself, changes to it next school year will ruin its sacredness.” This new guideline has no exceptions, no matter teacher cuts or classes that are too difficult. Written in the new guidelines is “ruining student GPAs is not a goal of ours, but if that is what honoring the master schedule needs, then we must obey.” 

As part of these new regulations, if you have missing spots in your schedule when Step Up Day rolls around, counselors are assigning students to some administrative, janitorial, and accounting duties. Allderdice Secretary commented, “I’m quite excited for the extra help I’m going to have. The counselors tell me nearly 100 kids have yet to submit their schedules,” she said grinning ear to ear. “I believe I will have them reorganize my desk repeatedly, prank call PPS Board Directors, and fetch me mid-day Starbucks. But, I hear the bathrooms are getting more and more foul so I may lend some of my help to the Janitorial staff. The smell of wall feces is starting to reach my desk.”

To the surprise of none, bigger, better, and flashier hall passes are being introduced. As many students already are aware, current hall passes are getting out of hand. They are as large as a modern-day printer can create, and strictly bright neon colors. In order to promote creativity, they are pushing forward new requirements for the universal hall pass. The pass must be an object larger than 5 by 5 yards; the administration takes plenty of inspiration from the beautiful game of American Football. Examples are listed as a desk, a piece of plywood, a broken smartboard, or your favorite school sink (the school is choosing to embrace the vandalism). CoyBoy explains, “Skipping class is the greatest felony known to man, and I am taking it upon myself to single-handedly rid this school of skipping. As my eyesight is getting worse with age, it is vital that these passes be visible to anyone. It also helps if they create noise of some form. My favorite pass is Mr. Douche’s. It was an adolescent female cow, with a red bell. The constant mooing, absurd size, and hallway poops made it the ideal hall pass. Take notes, everyone.”

The administration has also announced major security alterations, particularly in terms of metal detector searches in the morning. They announced that there will be a particular lookout for inhalers, Advil pills, and most threateningly, Fart Spray, to “keep the school safe from drugs and unregulated health hazards.” Although they understand that one cannot walk past a second-floor bathroom without feeling like they have been trapped in an unwanted hotbox, apparently “weed and nicotine are bound to be hidden, and are just a part of the authentic Allderdice experience! There is no point in searching for it.” 

To read the entirety of the new guidelines set by the administration, head to @dirtydicesubmissions or literally any of Student Council Member Mav Parin’s social media. Until then, enjoy the final days of school before it turns into your favorite hell!