Many lunch ladies in the history of Allderdice have noticed that students notoriously take more than one lunch per person, without any repercussions. Many students here at Allderdice have admitted (anonymously, of course) that they take 2 or 3 servings regularly. Students explain that they go once with their backpacks on. To get their second meal, however, they take their backpacks off (as a disguise, of course). To get their third meal, they simply take off their sweatshirts, and enter the line as a whole new person, deepening their voices a little, adding “thanks” this time (for good measure). After many many years of Allderdice lunch ladies falling for such extraordinary deception, everything changed after hiring a 5 star LSU prospect for an opening in the lunch lady position. Her keen eyes and quick thinking ability helped her easily spot out the students that commonly venture up for multiple meals.

However, no amount of reprimanding, be it detention or suspension, could stop the massive number of 3-serving imposters flooding the lunch lines. But the newly drafted lunch lady decided to step up and fix it herself. During her first weekend in the league, she devised a very mischievous plan, to poison all the filthy-rotten, multi-portion-thieving criminals.

This plan was carefully thought out using the incredible Lunch Lady Calculations (2nd in the ACC upon draft day) to calculate which meals the gluttonous, greedy, grabby, grimy, double-mealing students would take for themselves. Her plan included dropping Polonium-210 into the meals she calculated the kids would grab, and watching the radiation exposure take over the young criminal’s body. She believed that her plan was undeniably perfect and was ready to set it into action on monday.

As Monday lunch periods rolled around, the calculations were soaring through her head, as she put polonium into certain meals every so often. To no one’s surprise, similar to her draft combine showcase, the rookie Lunch Lady did not miss once, as every student grabbing more than one lunch, took the polonium filled food, taking it happily back to their seats.

However, her plan wasn’t as fool-proof as she once had thought. After watching the 3-serving survivors waste away in the cafeteria, an emergency meeting and student evacuation was called regarding the 321 bodies in the cafeteria. Almost as soon as the rookie lunch lady had sat down at the meeting, a reminder on her phone had rang, and Siri spoke “Reminder to pack all of the lethal polonium and dispose of it so that your colleagues don’t know it was you” after an awkward, almost minute long silent stare from every staff member ensued, she swiftly sprinted out of the building, and went to an unknown location.

Almost a week has passed since this crime, and while she has been promptly cut from the league, her whereabouts are still unknown. If you, or anyone you know has information on her location, please contact local authorities immediately.