Allderdice Public Health Crisis Due to Increase in PDA. What You can do to Prevent this Epidemic!

This is what you need to be looking out for.

This is what you need to be looking out for.

Attention Allderdice community, all students, teachers, and visitors must be aware of the public health crisis facing the student population at this dire time. And, no, this time, it is not the global pandemic of COVID-19! Today, hundreds of cases of strange, disgusting, and mysterious illnesses have been spreading around the school, as a result of an increase in public displays of affection throughout the hallway. These include making out, holding hands, prolonged embraces, licking or biting of any form, and many other activities that would be best served to remain unnamed. Ever since a school-wide spike, illnesses such as mono, chlamydia, and herpes have been ravaging the school population, with the largest group of victims suffering from near-fatal diagnoses of cooties.

It is essential to know as an Allderdice community member, what is a high-risk action right now and what you can do to prevent the continued spread of illness. While making out in school has never been favorable, extra precautions need to be taken during this unprecedented time. Mrs. Sharing, an avid public health advocate and disgusted teacher, shared several new protocols for students to take:

To begin, if you are in a relationship with a fellow student, please refrain from any unnecessary touching or interaction—especially in eating areas. For example, one student witnessed a couple embracing for 55 consecutive minutes with interlaced legs, arms, fingers, and even toes. All of this took place in the school cafeteria on top of a half-eaten serving of fish sticks and celery. Although we understand that fish may serve as an aphrodisiac, avoidance of such interactions is crucial to stopping the spread.

Additionally, some notorious Allderdice couples have been spotted giving and receiving hickeys. However, they were doing said activity in quite unconventional places, such as the palms, scalp, and calf areas. This not only supports the spread of disease around Allderdice, but is quite a large safety concern for the children involved. In one particularly bad case, a Pittsburgh paramedic said, “The hickey was so intense, the kid actually lost complete circulation in their hand [hickey was on the palm]. Unfortunately, we did end up having to amputate the arm. Stay safe out there, kids.” When asked to comment, the student said, “I would say the hickey was worth it.”

With this new spread of illnesses, many Allderdice students have responsibly decided to wear face masks to school. Although this is a great way to prevent further transmission of already contracted illnesses, it needs to be clarified this does not mean you are safe to continue these actions. There have been several accounts of students continuing to mash their faces and lips together while keeping masks on. The purpose of this remains a mystery to all. However, a traumatized Allderdice school nurse strongly urges students to stop this. She told The Backword, “It is imperative that students stop kissing with masks on. We have done research into this and found that the combining of independent germ colonies from each person’s masks makes the situation worse for all parties. Also, it’s weird as hell.”

Even if you are not in a relationship, you may still be at risk of health concerns! Despite administrative efforts to keep these cases of affection minimal and private, by simply walking to your next class, students are at risk of witnessing such an event. It is vital to know that witnessing these incidents is what yields the most devastating causes. Several witnesses have claimed to feel extreme nausea, headaches, unease, and anxiety, among other symptoms. One anonymous student witness said, “Upon seeing PDA in the 1st-floor annex, I was immediately overtaken by serious nausea, and proceeded to projectile vomit in the hallway. Awkwardly, I did vomit onto the couple nearby, and fortunately, they then stopped doing whatever they were doing!” He admitted, “It was surprising how quickly the nausea went away after they stopped making out.” 

The causes of this sudden epidemic of PDA-related illnesses are relatively unknown, although it is thought to have begun on February 14, 2023. Investigators suspect some Allderdice school members were involved in these recent encounters with “love.” Allderdice teacher, Mrs. Mad-and-Feral, is currently a prime suspect for being behind this Valentine’s Day transformation. It is rumored that she may have been behind some form of yodeling charm inflicted on couples that day. Upon interrogation, she confessed, “I was just trying to raise money. I never knew ‘Singing Valentines’ would have the effect they did. I didn’t know students would take their love this far!” Mrs. Mad-and-Feral and her singing minions indeed did their job. Despite her true intentions, now, lovestruck individuals endanger the health and safety of all of the Allderdice community.

In response to this epidemic of PDA-related illness, Allderdice Principal Dr. CoyBoy’s advice was concise. While holding two ravenous Allderdice teenagers apart, he remarked, “Dragons, please stop making out in the fucking hallway.”