Exclusive: Updated Lab Safety Contract Released by Allderdice Science Department

The typical Allderdice lab.

The typical Allderdice lab.

The lab safety contract is a time honored tradition here at Allderdice. That contract has been around (and unchanged) since our school’s founding in 1927. Thankfully, The Backword can exclusively report that a new lab safety contract is here! The Allderdice science department generously offered to give our readers an exclusive sneak preview. 



Science (should be) a hands-on laboratory class. But let’s be real, you will not be doing many (any) laboratories this year, much less anything with hazardous chemicals, so we’ll keep this new one short and sweet! 


  1. Conduct yourself responsibly at all times. But, if you don’t, that’s fine too. As long as I’m not teaching, and you’re not learning, it’s all good.
  2. Never work alone. Make sure to copy off of the one student in the class who is actually doing the lab report.
  3. Use laboratory glassware as containers for food and beverages. We don’t use them and are trying to get rid of them.
  4. Don’t worry about reading the instructions. (See rule #2 for clarification.)
  5. Know the locations and operating procedures for all safety equipment because I sure as hell don’t.
  6. Students are never permitted in the science storage room. I’ll be in there for suspiciously long periods of time.
  7. Handle all living organisms humanely, and, of course, don’t forget to let the frogs loose in the building.


  1. Goggles on, always. No exceptions. Even when you are just in the back at the tables doing a packet because I’m too lazy to teach. 
  2. That goes for lab aprons too.


  1. Report any accidents or injuries to me immediately. But, as the song goes, “You’re on your own kid, you always have been.” Good luck!
  2. If a chemical splashes in your eyes, strip down nude and rinse your whole body in the eyewash station for 3 hours. That should do the trick… I’m not sure how to turn it on so make sure you refer to #5.


Stay safe out there, kids!


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